Going 30 on a Highway

 

Tulisan ini merupakan kontribusi oleh Prafidya

 

Being working the new decade in my life is not easy. 20s are the fun and game time. 30s? It seems seriously…serious.

People expect you to be ‘something’ when you are 30. Have a great job, family, kids…everything.

3 years ago I remembered talking to a friend and told her that I was excited to be 30, then I felt so uncomfortably living the life of a 27 years old. I told her, “I cant wait to be 30, as I believe in 30 I would be ready for everything…and I figured out life”. All I can say now is I was foolish.

Being 30 after a-3 years turmoils had made me in a way unprepared for life. I am not blaming circumstances, all I am trying to say is that I was simply lost that I still don’t know how I can manage life again.

A family emergency, as my father illness took its toll had made me realized how fragile a human life can be. He survived the illness but then I see myself still struggling to survive from  my own state of mind.

Nights after nights of intense fear, the unwillingness to see whats tomorrow would bring as I fear what may came up. I, who once a super analytic, ambitious and “I-need-to-know-which-way-I-am-going” person suddenly hit by a wall that says “What do you want in life? What is it that important for you?”. At that moment I could not face any reality, I chose to shut down, I chose not to think and not to feel. I chose to survive tomorrow by not thinking and feeling what tomorrow might be. What was in my mind “How can I think about the future? If I cant survive today? Its too painful to bear.”

My father illness had brought me to the uncertain world. Before I was too naive by thinking if I worked hard enough I can control the situation, no matter what. But I was proven wrong. The years had thought me to accept the things I can not change…and put my faith to the highest power, God.

Being 30 as I am now had put me in the perspectives of how I am going to handle life in another 70 years (if one can live for 100 years, I still got 70 years to go). With things that sometimes in your control and out of control, with things that broke and mend your heart, miracles and tragedies. Love and hate.

After years of trying to find myself again, I am dealing with my 30 by different tune. It is the moment of self finding, where other people hit the gas on the highway I will put my speed to 30mph. I will run through the world in low speed, so I will have the time and the perspectives of how I should live and enjoy living…

 

Despite whatever you do in life, being alone is the best thing to do when you have so many things in your mind and just not so in the mood of being socialize with anyone including your family and friends.

Most family and friendships feuds usually aroused from the sense that no one understand each other, which is true in most of the time. But in so many cases sometimes old time grudges had prevented us to listen well into the voices. A means A+B+C and others grudges, while it was simply meant to be A.

Ever heard your parents, siblings, relatives and friends get mad at you and just saying old wounds and pains and our mistakes that sometimes irrelevant to current state of mind? And all you can feel inside is that whatever you do in life there’s always the word “YOU ALWAYS…” ? It seems the words had been a template for every reasons they have in mind in throwing everything at you.

In that very little span of time, your tired body and mind, your exhausted soul came to the conclusion, “Well…see, no one understands me…I better go.” In a way you are lucky if you have other place to go, not all the people shared the same privilege. I cant go anywhere far enough to just let go. My mind keep my body and soul chained to the ground.

My mind had always been the busiest work place I could ever visit. It never completely rest, nights filled with dreams and waking up with exhaustion was and still a common thing for me. And those moments where everything threw at me had made things worst. Endless thoughts and seems never ending questions…there are reasons why I preferred to be alone and let no one hear my voice or know my thoughts. Simply because its easier to do, less hurting people, that’s what my mind always say (see its a habit, ALWAYS…).

During those terrible moments when I felt that there’s nothing I can do, or say that can prevent my heart from breaking away, I lay down on my bed, put aside all my pillows and blanket, and then talked to God. I remembered that I told Him several times, “God if I survived today and wake up tomorrow, give me strength and reasons to move on.”

My conversation with Him had changed lately, I told Him, “God, lead the way..I’ll survive when you provided me the time. If I am gone tomorrow, please protect my loved ones, I will be fine with You.”

In a way I kept myself in peace, when things being throw at me…I prefer to keep my silence, and sometimes chose not to listen if things are getting too much to handle. I keep my heart intact, as much as I could. I understand that I am not perfect, and there are things that people can keep on throw at me. But that doesn’t matter too much now. I believe that the only voices I need to hear to keep me going is His voice…and for now that’s enough…

 

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 Prafidya

An entrepreneur, a baker, a writer but most of all a dreamer.

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