Hate

 

Tulisan ini merupakan kontribusi oleh My Mother’s Daughter (bukan nama yang sebenarnya)

 

Dear Ibu,

How I miss you more than ever, especially after Bapak sent a picture of your grave has been so tidy up. P.S. He still cries whenever he thinks of you and so do I.

Well, I just wanted to share something with you. It’s just a simple thing. This is about the word “hate”.

The words just come up strong lately. I learn that I can’t say that word often, because it’s like a magnet that will draw more and more negative towards you. I realize that the word “hate” can only result in pain & wasted energy. But I am human, Ibu. How can I help myself not to be angry?

Tante (Bapak’s sister) taught me or remind me that I should not hold a grudge because it will back fire at the end. She gave me an example, which is true, for instance she hates so much government official & Karma struck, her daughter is one of those people now. I realize something too, you hated so much your mother-in-law sister’s step family kids, despise even, not-to-be so dramatic but it’s true. I can understand why though but you know what, Karma did strike you. We’re now really related! By marriage, it’s kinda ironic how things go that way. Don’t you think?

Now, I’m scared of hating something too much. But I can’t help it. I’m trying to forgive all those things or people that annoyed me so I don’t get the Karma. There is got to be a tool for me to forgive, right? Could you please show me how?

Did you give out all those Zakat as a way for you to forgive those people that you hate? I saw the list that you had, mostly I scratch off some people if I were you but you didn’t. But did you really forgive those people? At the end you died, after all of liver cancer, that’s where the heart lies of all the wounds of heartbreak & disappointment.

Another example of failing of forgiveness is grandma, she has Alzheimer now, and how ironic her situation. She’s healthy physically but her mind is not. Some said it’s because that’s how nature prescribes the medicine to dealing with all her heartbreaks & disappointments. Do you know that she had high expectation of each of her children but none of those children fulfill her hopes & dreams. Even through her grandchildren she still hopes & fails. Sorry, Eyang.

People are so easy saying things like: “Just let it go.” Yeah, like it was that simple & easy. If it was, I won’t have this problem, right?!?

I tried the saying “out of sight, out of mind”, it doesn’t work! Especially the fact shows that I can’t control the serendipity of this world. Example: after 8 years not meeting this person, I came across randomly in an odd place where I first met him!

So far what works is to try to face it! Yes, rather than avoiding it, I try to embrace it. Face your fear, face your hatred feeling. Pain is never easy but when you are accustomed to it, then it will become numb. I’m now working towards it.

I’ll update on the plan & the progress of things but until then Ibu, I’m sending my love & prayers as always.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My mother’s daughter who has a lot of life lesson learning to do.
Please do take note, who knows it might come in handy.

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